CANCER CAN SUCK IT!!!

i still haven't figured it out.

disappointed

what is the deal with being disappointed? I've gone round and round with this emotion and come to understand WHY it is that i feel this way...and WHAT it is that is involved...but it keeps rearing its ugly head like a freaking pubic hair on my thigh after I've done a bikini wax!! What is it about the (my) human psyche that creates this emotion????

Is it an emotion even? guess i shoulda done some google'in or wikipedia'n before i set out to write about this. my readers can read between the lines about why that didn't happen when 1) the time this is written is noted and 2) this is the first time i've blogged in eons....i reeeeeeaaaaallly needed to write. i mean, so much so that i actually sat up in bed...sick of thinking about these things.....i actually said to brad "i can't go to sleep until i write about something." i haven't felt this compulsion to write/purge since the Sarcoma Summer.

Holy Crap, folks....i just got back from a Family Vacation. I don't even know where to start. I think i will have to allude to some thing/points/thoughts until i decide whether to continue to keep this a public blog.*

i've mulled over so many thoughts...drove back from Houston this morning, after a long travel adventure from South Carolina yesterday....i don't even know where to start. perhaps 3 am isn't the best time.

Nutshell? Highlights? i'm a 39 year old woman. Around my dad i still feel like an immature shell of someone i used to be...and for various reasons* I reckon it might just stay that way. Disappointing.

Any selfish emotional needs i have are monumentally overshadowed by the joy i have when i see my dad with my son. it fills all the gaps.

I am genuinely thankful that my family is happy. I feel ashamed for the egocentricity of this "disappointment" haunt. Go Away!! it doesn't make sense! i don't want it...why am i gravitated towards it, after I've sorted thru all the crap....and i finally make sense of things? i think it boils down to a certain "self-centered-ness" that is possibly just a bad habit? I really can say that i put my feelings aside in many circumstances...that other things are more important....but at the end of the day, the disappointment sneaks up on me like a ever present shadow. i don't like it. i want to understand it so i can turn on the light and make it go away.

any suggestions?

Chirp! Chirp!

it's sad that i just read this entire blog on my lunch break...with some time to spare.

I remember when i started it; how inspired i was to make a "fresh start". that seems like another person wrote that. it feels like another lifetime.

I've gone back to work. The previous post was full of energy and hope...where did all that go?

I am counting on spring to bring me out of my funk...and closer to May, when the school year will be over. Despite having taught Middle School 5 years, this has felt like the "first year teaching"...and i wasn't expecting that.

Also, i wasn't prepared for the strain on the family....and forget personal interests. It seems that either housework gets done or person hobbies are pursued on the weekends. Not both...one or the other. Who chooses housework? I don't until there are no more clean towels.

i actually do have some good things to say about teaching, but since it is a dim, cold and overcast monday, i am a downer. there are soul-sucking encounters i have each day that leave me speechless & feeling hopeless.

Stories like this:


These thugs were telling a story about a kid they saw get beat up. As if that's not bad enough, they are laughing about it...especially about what the kid said when they took his money: "...but my daddy gave me that dollar!" They were so entertained by the whole story~ just laughing and cutting up! Assholes.

What do you say? i tried to enlighten them...but they don't care. How can you teach someone something if they don't care. Maybe they don't know what it feels like to have someone care about them. Sometimes its so hard to care about them ...but not all days.

A bird just landed outside my window, lifting my spirits. Spring is right around the corner :)

Who gets up at this ungodly hour?

It's still dark!

I tried getting up at 5:45 last week, but didnt' take into account the time i need to drop things, stare into space and basically, wake up. I felt like i barely made it to work in time for my 7:05 duty.

Yes...i said work. And duty....and 7:05!!! Yikes.

(we pause for a moment of staring out the window for no apparent reason.....?)
Wake up!!!

The last month has been a blur of cleaning, organizing, inventorying & planning. Then school started. The kicker is that, even though i've been working my tail off for weeks now, the pay cycle doesn't start until the end of September for me. I HAVE ANOTHER ENTIRE MONTH BEFORE I EVEN SEE A PAYCHECK!!

I now resolve, however, to start paying attention to things that are important to me again. In the face of the First Day of School "deadline", i spent every waking moment dedicated to Taking Care of Business. In that process, i missed several clogging classes, haven't done any ceramics, have fallen behind on my emails & phone calls, missed several friends' birthdays, haven't talked to my preggar sister in weeks.... and have watched too many of my beloved plants die!

Last night, i finally broke that pattern to go to a friend's house for fondue and, fondly, Mad Men. I actually considered missing that get-together to go up to my classroom...what a mistake that would of been. I saw so many gal-pals, who i have missed since the beginning of the summer...and now i feel recharged. I'm baaaaa-ack!

New Work-Me-Philosophy: When it comes to personal interests, Igno-No-More!!

(this blog has been interrupted for a coffee break....where writer got distracted and started wiping off counter....)

where was i?
where am i?
what am i doing? i need to go get ready for work......

cuteness, etc

So, yesterday Tready picked up a skirt that i had embellished with some patches and sequins.

He was really checking it out, so i seized the opportunity to toot my own horn.
(If you are ever having a bad day, or dealing with some self-esteem issues, tell a 4 year old about something you've done; they are the best, excitable audience-- ever!)

I told him that the skirt had some stains on it, so i decorated it to hide the stains and make it pretty again. I sewed pink & green flowers on it, along with some sparkly sequins and seed beads.

After careful study, he looked at me and said:
"I have a cool Spiderman patch you could sew on it."

Guess he's not into flowers & sequins.

Mind-Numbing Cuteness.

i could start a blog dedicated to my kid, but i don't think i'd ever get anything done....he kills me. right now, i should be packing for a weekend getaway to Hot Springs, but i just had to stop and write. it could be very possible that these things are only uber-cute to a mother, but.....i don't care. i don't have a "Baby Book" to put these things down....i've got my blog.

The other night, we were watching American Idol, and this rap-guy performed. The lyrics were way suggestive (talking about "going down"!!) for Primetime, and all the sudden i was feeling old and prude-ish. (I think its because my 4 year old was sitting next to me and there was all kinds of sexual gyrating going on whilst a sexy man and woman sang about oral sex to each other...)surely im not old and prude-ish.....yet.

Anyhoo...i told Tready i didn't like that song and he, of course, asked "Why?" I said that i liked songs where i could understand the lyrics, or songs that told stories.
Then he said:
"Yeah. Me, too. Like "Twinkle, Twinkle"

awwwwww!

Ick.

there is a mouse in our house and i am not happy.