disappointed

what is the deal with being disappointed? I've gone round and round with this emotion and come to understand WHY it is that i feel this way...and WHAT it is that is involved...but it keeps rearing its ugly head like a freaking pubic hair on my thigh after I've done a bikini wax!! What is it about the (my) human psyche that creates this emotion????

Is it an emotion even? guess i shoulda done some google'in or wikipedia'n before i set out to write about this. my readers can read between the lines about why that didn't happen when 1) the time this is written is noted and 2) this is the first time i've blogged in eons....i reeeeeeaaaaallly needed to write. i mean, so much so that i actually sat up in bed...sick of thinking about these things.....i actually said to brad "i can't go to sleep until i write about something." i haven't felt this compulsion to write/purge since the Sarcoma Summer.

Holy Crap, folks....i just got back from a Family Vacation. I don't even know where to start. I think i will have to allude to some thing/points/thoughts until i decide whether to continue to keep this a public blog.*

i've mulled over so many thoughts...drove back from Houston this morning, after a long travel adventure from South Carolina yesterday....i don't even know where to start. perhaps 3 am isn't the best time.

Nutshell? Highlights? i'm a 39 year old woman. Around my dad i still feel like an immature shell of someone i used to be...and for various reasons* I reckon it might just stay that way. Disappointing.

Any selfish emotional needs i have are monumentally overshadowed by the joy i have when i see my dad with my son. it fills all the gaps.

I am genuinely thankful that my family is happy. I feel ashamed for the egocentricity of this "disappointment" haunt. Go Away!! it doesn't make sense! i don't want it...why am i gravitated towards it, after I've sorted thru all the crap....and i finally make sense of things? i think it boils down to a certain "self-centered-ness" that is possibly just a bad habit? I really can say that i put my feelings aside in many circumstances...that other things are more important....but at the end of the day, the disappointment sneaks up on me like a ever present shadow. i don't like it. i want to understand it so i can turn on the light and make it go away.

any suggestions?