Farewell, my friends!

                     ...my shoe friends, that is.

So, I spent yesterday taking pictures of scads of shoes.

I realized i have WAY too many shoes, anyway. 

I will be posting them on eBay

eventually...

This is a longer process than i thought...

In the meantime, i will keep my peops posted here. 

PLEASE TELL YOUR FRIENDS:)

I'm going to donate 1/2 to I2Y Cancer Foundation







Limpy LEAPS forward...

In my new efforts to moving forward and accepting reality, I have decided to auction off my Gorgeous, Eclectic and Beloved Heels on Ebay.  I am going to donate half my earnings to I2Y Cancer Foundation.

The other half is going towards finding me some comfortable shoes.

If you, or anyone you know, wears a size 9, keep this in mind. 

I'll update with more details later.  In the meantime, you can check this out: http://www.i2y.org/

Moving forward...in small gimpy steps

Deep breath.
I've been in and out of a pity-party for a week.  thanks to sympathetic and supportive friends & family, I can turn my focus to the positive things, and not stew in the negative. I gotta move forward...gimpy gait and all.

To summarize & update: in the last 6 months or so, my foot started to behave differently.  It came on gradually and was a periodic disruption, which i was able to ignore/carry on without much concern.  After a few trips led to some actual falls, I started to become concerned.  Luckily, each time I lost my balance, I was able to catch myself so that I didn't get hurt.  What has been damaged, however, was a sense of sure-footed-ness...that snuck away so smoothly i can hardly remember the last time I felt sure-footed.
That's Big Bitch #1.

I've had 2 trips to MDA to have specific tests.  The first test gave false hope--and maybe things weren't as bad at that time--but my doc said a new little bump was not cancer (i didn't even know of this bump, it was so small.) She also said it was too early for "Floppy Foot" to show up as a result of surgery, and that if i would just do some exercises, I would be able to "carry on as normal" including wearing heels. 

This is Big Bitch #2: She was way wrong on that one.  If my foot is in any sort of angle, it gets numb and does not want to move.  There's no way i can wear heels.  This has taken some time (i KNOW its ridiculously insignificant in the whole scheme of things) but i can learn to live with this.

So, my more recent MDA trip involved a series of nerve tests, involving shocks and pokes and general all-around discomfort.  That doc asked me all sorts of questions, trying to determine what changes have taken place since surgery/healing in 2007.  At one point, he actually said he was baffled.  There have been no obvious changes that we could pin-point.

Although i am still awaiting results from those tests, I get the feeling that the "Almost-5 years" that i had post-surgery might have been an anomaly.  Maybe I had unusual results and my body is settling into what is typical of a surgery of this nature. (see http://www.smackcancer.blogspot.com/) I have to start looking at it that way.

The awesome, highly educated doctors at MDA actually call this condition "FLOPPY FOOT".  When I first heard it, there was this awkward moment where I laughed...expecting the "just kidding" or something to indicate its a joke. There was the pregnant pause of silence, where i realized there wasn't going to be a punchline.  It is seriously called Floppy Foot.  Hmmm.

There is another term "Drop Foot", which doesn't seem to be used as much.  Maybe its Old School Medical terminolgy? Regardless, Floppy Foot has already stuck. You would think there would be some sort of Latin term they could use to jazz it up a bit.  I guess there aren't many words scarier than Cancer, so perhaps they like to throw around names like that. After hearing Sarcoma, whats a little Floppy Foot on the chart??


I guess it could be worse. To me,  "Floppy" conjures imagery of soft, cuddley things....like a rabbit with big, floppy ears.  Or a plush, stuffed animal that a favorite to snuggle up with.  At least its not called "Trip Foot" or "Stumble Toes". "Clutz Causer"...

 The Big Bitch #3 is that i have to consciensly THINK about every step, to make sure that i bend my knee and lift up my foot so that it doesn't lag behind for me to trip over.  Sometimes i forget, or I might step on an uneven surface...its an ever-present concern.  Every freaking step....something that I used to take for granted.  Our feet are an amazing combination of nerves, tiny bones and cartilidges....wow!! Just a little nerve damage has caused such a change that i now have to be aware of every step. Maybe this will become second nature.

So far, aside from my downer-attitude of pity-party and "I can't wear heels" whining....things are just fine.  I can get around, do what i need to do and stay active.

Really, I was lucky to have the past 4 years. I actually roller-skated a month after my physical therapy.  I wore any fabulous shoe that i wanted...even up until the end of last year.  I was able to garden, exercise and do anything I used to do...without feeling much different.

I am still gardening and exercising, but the skating and fabulous heel-wearing seem like a distant memory.  I've got to look on the bright side, and stick with thinking about what i can do NOW instead of not doing what i USED TO do.  Who knows? Maybe this will make me an awesome clogger!

i thought i was smooooth sailing....

The fifth year is a big deal to a cancer survivor.  Its the time when you go from having a follow-up every 6 months (or every year, for some)...to being in the clear.  Your chance of "survival", or no re-occurance, or just having a normal-no-going-to-the-hospital-and-having-to-say-imafreakingcancerpatient....you are supposed to be wrapping it up the 5th year.

My fifth year isn't looking like that.  I seem to have had an unusual situation, where the 4 years following surgery were sweet and now....not so sweet.

im pissed.
the reasons that bother me are so bothersome and, frankly, embarassing.....i can't adequately describe in words.
its such a downer.
i really wanted to celebrate this year.

In the Sweet Bye and Bye

This morning started out like any other day.

On our way to school, I had to pull over to let a firetruck whiz past and, as I was pulled over and looking ahead, I saw where he was going.  There was a wreck directly at the entrance of our school.  The cars were backed up in both directions and several cars in front of me were turning around so that they didn't have to wait.  Everything was at a stand-still--including my heart.

I was rubber-necking like I never have before, hoping to see that everything was ok and to see if it was someone from school.  We saw two mangled cars, with airbags askew...and then i saw some people on the side of the road.  Tread saw them too.

This was the moment that is the freeze-frame of my mind:  Tread yelled "It's Sydney!" , a classmate and good friend of his.  When I looked to see a woman leaning over a person laid beside the car, for a moment i also thought it this girl and her mother. The moment I realized that it was not who we both thought it was, time resumed its normal pace and i was overwhelmed with relief.  As I focused on trying to get past the wreckage and navigate my way towards the school, I tried to maintain composure and reassure my son that his friend was not in the wreck.  We prayed that those involved would be ok.  I saw that the person was moving and the ambulance was there, so things seemed positive.

The scene at the school was unlike most mornings, where the normal hustle and bustle was replaced with quiet, concerned faces looking out the windows.  Teachers had calculated calm instructions for the kids in the classrooms, as they met in the hallway and whispered what they had seen or heard.  The secretary was fielding phone calls. 

Tread's teacher had some of his work to show me, so I followed her to the classroom.  Conversation veered back to the events of the morning and she shared that she had lost both her grandparents at once in a fatal accident.  As she was telling me the story, it dawned on her that this week was the 9th anniversary of when it happened.  She remembers the details of how they had just come to visit her hours before the accident, and her grandfather told her  how much he loved her.  She recalled the moment with vivid clarity.

A week after their deaths, she said it was a dreary day and she was overwhelmed with sadness.  She recounted how she pulled up to her house and saw 2 "little brown birds" splashing in some water and, for some reason, it caught her eye.  She told me that the hymn "In the Sweet Bye and Bye" was playing in her car at that moment and she felt an incredible peace come over her.  She watched the birds, listened to the song and felt ok.

I left the school building and sat in my car, watching as the wreckers loaded up the twisted cars, this old hymn going through my head.

A regular routine of a morning, to be shaken up by an unforeseen event. The people involved in the accident had been going through their regular morning routine, as well.  Little do they realize the impact their experience had on everyone in our little school.  Prayers sent up in little voices....memories recounted by sentimental adults.  So many things to be thankful for.  A day like every other day....a gft.

As I sat in my car, pondering these thoughts and emotions, a blue flurry outside caught my eye.  A few precious bluebirds were scurrying about...which always makes me smile.

In the Sweet Bye and Bye

There's a land that is fairer than day,
And by faith we can see it afar;
For the Father waits over the way
To prepare us a dwelling place there.

In the sweet by and by,
We shall meet on that beautiful shore;
In the sweet by and by,
We shall meet on that beautiful shore.

We shall sing on that beautiful shore
The melodious songs of the blessed;
And our spirits shall sorrow no more,
Not a sigh for the blessing of rest.

In the sweet by and by,
We shall meet on that beautiful shore;
In the sweet by and by,
We shall meet on that beautiful shore.

To our bountiful Father above,
We will offer our tribute of praise
For the glorious gift of His love
And the blessings that hallow our days.

In the sweet by and by,
We shall meet on that beautiful shore;
In the sweet by and by,
We shall meet on that beautiful shore.



Let's dwell.....

So I'm 40 now.  Thank God Ive got that behind me and i can quit saying "I'm fixin' to be 40".

The anticipation leading up to the birthday was maddening, but that frame of mind included post-holiday doldrums, coupled with some cabin fever.  Also, we've had some crappy weather lately and i  haven't been outside like i usually like to be. PLUS...i've dwelled. I agonized, over-analyzed, read too much Internet stuff, watched Dr.Oz too much....dwelled!  I'm soooo ready to move on.

i think. 
First i might want to write about dwelling.

Really, it isn't too terribly different, this 40 thing.  It just so happens that some pretty significant changes are taking place as I reach this milestone. I have realized in recent years that I function better with a little routine, and i get out-of-sorts when things interfere with this routine. (Just writing/acknowledging that makes me feel "set in my ways"...which is technically the polar opposite of "young-and-hip", right?)

That's ok...I am embracing the right to say whatever i damn-well please, because that's what we GET to do as we get older, right???!!! Today I actually started a conversation with "Well, I really like Consumer Reports because..." For realz.

The biggest change that i am dealing with is a career change.  Since I had been a stay-at-home mom for 5 years, I think this transition has gone a little smoother than it could have if I'd switched gears from a full-time job, though.  Also, after spending a year in the classroom, I was very, VERY motivated to make this opportunity work.  The timing was perfect...even if going from Middle School Art Teacher to Tattoo Artist sounded crazy to a LOT of people.

Even if it sounds crazy to some, to me it truly seems like the right thing to do...so I've jumped in with both feet.  I will be an apprentice for a long time to come, and that is a very humbling position to be in.  I enjoy learning something new, but there are days that I wish I had more confidence and become impatient about that.  Of course, often my thoughts run to "if only i had started this when i was younger...".  At my age, it seems like I ought to be really good at what i do for a living.  I felt that confidence with teaching...and i know that eventually, I can work up to that in this field.  This thought haunts me: I don't have as much time as I used to.

That haunting thought started with Cancer and never left. My experience definitely had an impact on me, but so has losing several people to It.  Cancer is freaking scary...and unpredictable.  Every minute of every day counts.

I can understand some of the stereotypes people put on old-timers, one of them being "grumpy" or "cranky".  I am (hesitantly) starting to relate.  Time goes by quicker, your body starts to change or quits cooperating, people you love get sick or die, babies grow up, hair falls out or turns gray (!!) your sense of humor becomes dated, young people call you ma'am or don't acknowledge you, you become acutely aware of your diet, you like Consumer Reports, etc......of course we get grumpy!  What the hell?

Ok, so i am a potentially cranky gal on a new career path!  It's exciting and I'm taking it on as a challenge...awkward, uncomfortable, humbling moments and all!  It's the other Big Change that makes things a little more challenging:

Quitting Smoking.
I was a closet smoker and pretty much in denial about how much these Stinky Sticks had eeked their way into my life.  For years, I bragged that I had this smoking thing at "arms-length" and "I told the cigs when i was going to have them, they didn't tell me!" Ha!

 While it's true that I only smoked in social settings for years...and did not smoke for the entire 9 months i was pregnant, nor the 13 months i nursed...I was fooling myself about the power of the cigarettes addictive nature.  I didnt' even realize it when they crept into my daily routine (there's that confounded word again!) until i tried to cut them out.  They made it known, very abruptly, that I DID need them and they would now be the ones saying when I needed them.  I was no longer in control of that little relationship.

So I broke it off.
...but like a jilted ex of an abusive lover, i still pine for them, at times.  Then, I have to deny myself and struggle with a few things: 1) I am not young and care-free 2) that habit is chipping away at years that are dwindling away anyway 3) I can't set a bad example for my son 4) its time to learn some self-discipline, dagnabit!  Man, it was so much easier in my 20's, when i thought i had my whole life ahead of me, my body was resilient and i was only responsible for myself.  Easy Street.

Well...now "Easy Street" is wrought with potholes, the street lamps are dimming and the sidewalks are cracked. It's not as long as it used to be, there are some really bumpy sections and you are going to have some unexpected detours.

Good thing i have a jeep.
I can handle it.
It's an adventure.

What's wrong with dwelling, anyway?

Merry Christmas Everyone!!