Moving forward...in small gimpy steps

Deep breath.
I've been in and out of a pity-party for a week.  thanks to sympathetic and supportive friends & family, I can turn my focus to the positive things, and not stew in the negative. I gotta move forward...gimpy gait and all.

To summarize & update: in the last 6 months or so, my foot started to behave differently.  It came on gradually and was a periodic disruption, which i was able to ignore/carry on without much concern.  After a few trips led to some actual falls, I started to become concerned.  Luckily, each time I lost my balance, I was able to catch myself so that I didn't get hurt.  What has been damaged, however, was a sense of sure-footed-ness...that snuck away so smoothly i can hardly remember the last time I felt sure-footed.
That's Big Bitch #1.

I've had 2 trips to MDA to have specific tests.  The first test gave false hope--and maybe things weren't as bad at that time--but my doc said a new little bump was not cancer (i didn't even know of this bump, it was so small.) She also said it was too early for "Floppy Foot" to show up as a result of surgery, and that if i would just do some exercises, I would be able to "carry on as normal" including wearing heels. 

This is Big Bitch #2: She was way wrong on that one.  If my foot is in any sort of angle, it gets numb and does not want to move.  There's no way i can wear heels.  This has taken some time (i KNOW its ridiculously insignificant in the whole scheme of things) but i can learn to live with this.

So, my more recent MDA trip involved a series of nerve tests, involving shocks and pokes and general all-around discomfort.  That doc asked me all sorts of questions, trying to determine what changes have taken place since surgery/healing in 2007.  At one point, he actually said he was baffled.  There have been no obvious changes that we could pin-point.

Although i am still awaiting results from those tests, I get the feeling that the "Almost-5 years" that i had post-surgery might have been an anomaly.  Maybe I had unusual results and my body is settling into what is typical of a surgery of this nature. (see http://www.smackcancer.blogspot.com/) I have to start looking at it that way.

The awesome, highly educated doctors at MDA actually call this condition "FLOPPY FOOT".  When I first heard it, there was this awkward moment where I laughed...expecting the "just kidding" or something to indicate its a joke. There was the pregnant pause of silence, where i realized there wasn't going to be a punchline.  It is seriously called Floppy Foot.  Hmmm.

There is another term "Drop Foot", which doesn't seem to be used as much.  Maybe its Old School Medical terminolgy? Regardless, Floppy Foot has already stuck. You would think there would be some sort of Latin term they could use to jazz it up a bit.  I guess there aren't many words scarier than Cancer, so perhaps they like to throw around names like that. After hearing Sarcoma, whats a little Floppy Foot on the chart??


I guess it could be worse. To me,  "Floppy" conjures imagery of soft, cuddley things....like a rabbit with big, floppy ears.  Or a plush, stuffed animal that a favorite to snuggle up with.  At least its not called "Trip Foot" or "Stumble Toes". "Clutz Causer"...

 The Big Bitch #3 is that i have to consciensly THINK about every step, to make sure that i bend my knee and lift up my foot so that it doesn't lag behind for me to trip over.  Sometimes i forget, or I might step on an uneven surface...its an ever-present concern.  Every freaking step....something that I used to take for granted.  Our feet are an amazing combination of nerves, tiny bones and cartilidges....wow!! Just a little nerve damage has caused such a change that i now have to be aware of every step. Maybe this will become second nature.

So far, aside from my downer-attitude of pity-party and "I can't wear heels" whining....things are just fine.  I can get around, do what i need to do and stay active.

Really, I was lucky to have the past 4 years. I actually roller-skated a month after my physical therapy.  I wore any fabulous shoe that i wanted...even up until the end of last year.  I was able to garden, exercise and do anything I used to do...without feeling much different.

I am still gardening and exercising, but the skating and fabulous heel-wearing seem like a distant memory.  I've got to look on the bright side, and stick with thinking about what i can do NOW instead of not doing what i USED TO do.  Who knows? Maybe this will make me an awesome clogger!