up late again

since i couldn't sleep AGAIN, i figured that I'd get up and write about it.

A few hours ago, when i was tossing and turning, i decided to get up and look through old pictures. I time-traveled back through memories and hair colors, relived fun times and saw faces of people i will never see again. I found old college pictures, wedding pictures, family shots and party pix from every imaginable (and not so imaginable) occasion...but i couldn't find what i was looking for.

Until the last box.

My illusive friend...I didn't realize until tonight how terribly tricky she was about avoiding the camera. Somehow, she was caught on film.

This is my only picture of Ricann Clay. She came with Conny to visit Tread...just days old.

I think i can go to sleep now.

good tv

i love Tosh.O!

Fresh Prince - Drums and dance

Silver Spoons Ricky Schroder Alfonso Breakdance

CANCER CAN SUCK IT!!!

i still haven't figured it out.

disappointed

what is the deal with being disappointed? I've gone round and round with this emotion and come to understand WHY it is that i feel this way...and WHAT it is that is involved...but it keeps rearing its ugly head like a freaking pubic hair on my thigh after I've done a bikini wax!! What is it about the (my) human psyche that creates this emotion????

Is it an emotion even? guess i shoulda done some google'in or wikipedia'n before i set out to write about this. my readers can read between the lines about why that didn't happen when 1) the time this is written is noted and 2) this is the first time i've blogged in eons....i reeeeeeaaaaallly needed to write. i mean, so much so that i actually sat up in bed...sick of thinking about these things.....i actually said to brad "i can't go to sleep until i write about something." i haven't felt this compulsion to write/purge since the Sarcoma Summer.

Holy Crap, folks....i just got back from a Family Vacation. I don't even know where to start. I think i will have to allude to some thing/points/thoughts until i decide whether to continue to keep this a public blog.*

i've mulled over so many thoughts...drove back from Houston this morning, after a long travel adventure from South Carolina yesterday....i don't even know where to start. perhaps 3 am isn't the best time.

Nutshell? Highlights? i'm a 39 year old woman. Around my dad i still feel like an immature shell of someone i used to be...and for various reasons* I reckon it might just stay that way. Disappointing.

Any selfish emotional needs i have are monumentally overshadowed by the joy i have when i see my dad with my son. it fills all the gaps.

I am genuinely thankful that my family is happy. I feel ashamed for the egocentricity of this "disappointment" haunt. Go Away!! it doesn't make sense! i don't want it...why am i gravitated towards it, after I've sorted thru all the crap....and i finally make sense of things? i think it boils down to a certain "self-centered-ness" that is possibly just a bad habit? I really can say that i put my feelings aside in many circumstances...that other things are more important....but at the end of the day, the disappointment sneaks up on me like a ever present shadow. i don't like it. i want to understand it so i can turn on the light and make it go away.

any suggestions?

Chirp! Chirp!

it's sad that i just read this entire blog on my lunch break...with some time to spare.

I remember when i started it; how inspired i was to make a "fresh start". that seems like another person wrote that. it feels like another lifetime.

I've gone back to work. The previous post was full of energy and hope...where did all that go?

I am counting on spring to bring me out of my funk...and closer to May, when the school year will be over. Despite having taught Middle School 5 years, this has felt like the "first year teaching"...and i wasn't expecting that.

Also, i wasn't prepared for the strain on the family....and forget personal interests. It seems that either housework gets done or person hobbies are pursued on the weekends. Not both...one or the other. Who chooses housework? I don't until there are no more clean towels.

i actually do have some good things to say about teaching, but since it is a dim, cold and overcast monday, i am a downer. there are soul-sucking encounters i have each day that leave me speechless & feeling hopeless.

Stories like this:


These thugs were telling a story about a kid they saw get beat up. As if that's not bad enough, they are laughing about it...especially about what the kid said when they took his money: "...but my daddy gave me that dollar!" They were so entertained by the whole story~ just laughing and cutting up! Assholes.

What do you say? i tried to enlighten them...but they don't care. How can you teach someone something if they don't care. Maybe they don't know what it feels like to have someone care about them. Sometimes its so hard to care about them ...but not all days.

A bird just landed outside my window, lifting my spirits. Spring is right around the corner :)