Let's dwell.....

So I'm 40 now.  Thank God Ive got that behind me and i can quit saying "I'm fixin' to be 40".

The anticipation leading up to the birthday was maddening, but that frame of mind included post-holiday doldrums, coupled with some cabin fever.  Also, we've had some crappy weather lately and i  haven't been outside like i usually like to be. PLUS...i've dwelled. I agonized, over-analyzed, read too much Internet stuff, watched Dr.Oz too much....dwelled!  I'm soooo ready to move on.

i think. 
First i might want to write about dwelling.

Really, it isn't too terribly different, this 40 thing.  It just so happens that some pretty significant changes are taking place as I reach this milestone. I have realized in recent years that I function better with a little routine, and i get out-of-sorts when things interfere with this routine. (Just writing/acknowledging that makes me feel "set in my ways"...which is technically the polar opposite of "young-and-hip", right?)

That's ok...I am embracing the right to say whatever i damn-well please, because that's what we GET to do as we get older, right???!!! Today I actually started a conversation with "Well, I really like Consumer Reports because..." For realz.

The biggest change that i am dealing with is a career change.  Since I had been a stay-at-home mom for 5 years, I think this transition has gone a little smoother than it could have if I'd switched gears from a full-time job, though.  Also, after spending a year in the classroom, I was very, VERY motivated to make this opportunity work.  The timing was perfect...even if going from Middle School Art Teacher to Tattoo Artist sounded crazy to a LOT of people.

Even if it sounds crazy to some, to me it truly seems like the right thing to do...so I've jumped in with both feet.  I will be an apprentice for a long time to come, and that is a very humbling position to be in.  I enjoy learning something new, but there are days that I wish I had more confidence and become impatient about that.  Of course, often my thoughts run to "if only i had started this when i was younger...".  At my age, it seems like I ought to be really good at what i do for a living.  I felt that confidence with teaching...and i know that eventually, I can work up to that in this field.  This thought haunts me: I don't have as much time as I used to.

That haunting thought started with Cancer and never left. My experience definitely had an impact on me, but so has losing several people to It.  Cancer is freaking scary...and unpredictable.  Every minute of every day counts.

I can understand some of the stereotypes people put on old-timers, one of them being "grumpy" or "cranky".  I am (hesitantly) starting to relate.  Time goes by quicker, your body starts to change or quits cooperating, people you love get sick or die, babies grow up, hair falls out or turns gray (!!) your sense of humor becomes dated, young people call you ma'am or don't acknowledge you, you become acutely aware of your diet, you like Consumer Reports, etc......of course we get grumpy!  What the hell?

Ok, so i am a potentially cranky gal on a new career path!  It's exciting and I'm taking it on as a challenge...awkward, uncomfortable, humbling moments and all!  It's the other Big Change that makes things a little more challenging:

Quitting Smoking.
I was a closet smoker and pretty much in denial about how much these Stinky Sticks had eeked their way into my life.  For years, I bragged that I had this smoking thing at "arms-length" and "I told the cigs when i was going to have them, they didn't tell me!" Ha!

 While it's true that I only smoked in social settings for years...and did not smoke for the entire 9 months i was pregnant, nor the 13 months i nursed...I was fooling myself about the power of the cigarettes addictive nature.  I didnt' even realize it when they crept into my daily routine (there's that confounded word again!) until i tried to cut them out.  They made it known, very abruptly, that I DID need them and they would now be the ones saying when I needed them.  I was no longer in control of that little relationship.

So I broke it off.
...but like a jilted ex of an abusive lover, i still pine for them, at times.  Then, I have to deny myself and struggle with a few things: 1) I am not young and care-free 2) that habit is chipping away at years that are dwindling away anyway 3) I can't set a bad example for my son 4) its time to learn some self-discipline, dagnabit!  Man, it was so much easier in my 20's, when i thought i had my whole life ahead of me, my body was resilient and i was only responsible for myself.  Easy Street.

Well...now "Easy Street" is wrought with potholes, the street lamps are dimming and the sidewalks are cracked. It's not as long as it used to be, there are some really bumpy sections and you are going to have some unexpected detours.

Good thing i have a jeep.
I can handle it.
It's an adventure.

What's wrong with dwelling, anyway?