Beyond the Bunion

2011-08-19T13:37:00.001-07:00

SPY KIDS IN 4D!!!!!!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Introducing....

2011-08-18T05:28:00.000-07:00

Ok, first things first:
I realize that this blog is called "Beyond the Bunion" and I have a big ole bunion on my right foot....but let's just overlook that. The right foot is the The Good Foot, so I'll take it with a bunion.

For those new to my writing, my original impetus for blogging was a Sarcoma tumor on my knee. It looked very much like a bunion; thus the nickname "Knee-Bunion". I left that blog behind, when I left that "ordeal" behind.....but it has limpily caught up with me again.

Introducing my Floppy Foot. This is due to nerve damage from radiation and surgery from 2007. It worked fine until the fall of 2010. It's strange that my foot operated perfectly until then...and the docs are stumped.

I have some more tests next week.

I'm learning how to get used to it. Makes for a funny video,though, eh?

Key Lime pie for breakfast.

2011-08-18T05:04:00.000-07:00

I don't know what woke me up the first time. I shouldn't have looked at the clock. Once I saw that it was 3:45 am, my brain started moving. I tried hard to just think about getting to sleep...but my thoughts wandered all over the place and ended up in the fridge. I happen to have some Key Lime pie in there.

I might have drifted in and out of a restless sleep for the next 2 hours. (I hope so because this is going to be a bizizzy day, without time for my favored power-siestas AND it's a work night.) I thought about all kinds of stuff going on right now: school starting, laundry...a new phase in my work-life, marital stuff, house renovations, bikini waxing....floppy-foot-itis.....key lime pie...

Then, as I was drifting off to sleep, I felt a tickle. "Oh, that Junior...his fur sure is soft", i thought, as i felt my dog at my feet. I felt it again near my face, but just brushed away what was sure to be a stray hair bothering me. When i felt the same familiar tickle on my hand, I had to jump up and turn on the light to confirm my dreaded suspicion: i screamed when i saw the odd looking bug. While I was slightly relieved to see that it wasn't a roach, I was WIDE awake by then. Time for some Key Lime.

(that's some eggs and fruit for breakfast, no? well, anyway; i had some milk, too, so maybe there is some nutritional value in there somewhere!)

Sooooo.....what's the latest keeping me awake these days? I reckon it will take several posts to get caught up, but I am up for it. I was so pleased to see the comments awaiting me from my last few meager entries; thank you all for reading. This is a touch-stone of sorts for me.

I can't stand complainers, or worse yet, hearing myself complain; yet that seems to be the bulk of what's been occupying my thoughts recently. I've sunken into one too many "pity parties" and I am tired of it...sooo ready to move on! I'm ready to dig out of this rut.

Good thing i ate breakfast!!

Sweet Reunion...

2011-08-16T23:02:00.000-07:00

Oh! This is so true: we don't realize what we have, until it is gone!!!

I just got home with my trusty ole friend, LapTop, after having had him gone for a week. Granted, he has slimmed down almost beyond recognition....but I'll get him back into shape toute suite!! I'm just so glad to have him back. I didn't realize how much time we spent together, until he decided to take a long, stubborn & selfish nap. I suppose I can learn to forgive him for losing...or eating?....my pictures and other data. Thankfully, we have some support to help heal our relationship. I think everything is going to be ok....I just thought I'd share that with everyone.

It's good to be back.

"It's the most wonderful time of the year...."

2011-08-16T22:56:00.000-07:00

I used to HATE this commercial...but that was back when i was a teacher, and this commercial mocked the painful end of the summer. I really didn't "get it" at all!

Of course, that was also before I was a PARENT. Now I can't seem to get this song out of my head.

Happy Easter

2011-04-24T11:40:00.001-07:00

YouTube Video

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

2011-04-22T20:35:00.001-07:00

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

2011-04-22T20:24:00.001-07:00

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

All The Ladies in the House...

2011-04-20T07:30:00.001-07:00

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Location:Bertner Ave,Houston,United States

Here we go....

2011-04-20T06:47:00.001-07:00

On another adventure at MDAnderson. This is a test...this is only a test...to see if I can blog from my phone.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Farewell, my friends!

2011-04-12T11:26:00.000-07:00

...my shoe friends, that is.

So, I spent yesterday taking pictures of scads of shoes.

I realized i have WAY too many shoes, anyway.

I will be posting them on eBay

eventually...

This is a longer process than i thought...

In the meantime, i will keep my peops posted here.

PLEASE TELL YOUR FRIENDS:)

I'm going to donate 1/2 to I2Y Cancer Foundation

Limpy LEAPS forward...

2011-04-11T09:52:00.000-07:00

In my new efforts to moving forward and accepting reality, I have decided to auction off my Gorgeous, Eclectic and Beloved Heels on Ebay. I am going to donate half my earnings to I2Y Cancer Foundation.

The other half is going towards finding me some comfortable shoes.

If you, or anyone you know, wears a size 9, keep this in mind.

I'll update with more details later. In the meantime, you can check this out: http://www.i2y.org/

Moving forward...in small gimpy steps

2011-04-11T09:38:00.000-07:00

Deep breath.
I've been in and out of a pity-party for a week. thanks to sympathetic and supportive friends & family, I can turn my focus to the positive things, and not stew in the negative. I gotta move forward...gimpy gait and all.

To summarize & update: in the last 6 months or so, my foot started to behave differently. It came on gradually and was a periodic disruption, which i was able to ignore/carry on without much concern. After a few trips led to some actual falls, I started to become concerned. Luckily, each time I lost my balance, I was able to catch myself so that I didn't get hurt. What has been damaged, however, was a sense of sure-footed-ness...that snuck away so smoothly i can hardly remember the last time I felt sure-footed.
That's Big Bitch #1.

I've had 2 trips to MDA to have specific tests. The first test gave false hope--and maybe things weren't as bad at that time--but my doc said a new little bump was not cancer (i didn't even know of this bump, it was so small.) She also said it was too early for "Floppy Foot" to show up as a result of surgery, and that if i would just do some exercises, I would be able to "carry on as normal" including wearing heels.

This is Big Bitch #2: She was way wrong on that one. If my foot is in any sort of angle, it gets numb and does not want to move. There's no way i can wear heels. This has taken some time (i KNOW its ridiculously insignificant in the whole scheme of things) but i can learn to live with this.

So, my more recent MDA trip involved a series of nerve tests, involving shocks and pokes and general all-around discomfort. That doc asked me all sorts of questions, trying to determine what changes have taken place since surgery/healing in 2007. At one point, he actually said he was baffled. There have been no obvious changes that we could pin-point.

Although i am still awaiting results from those tests, I get the feeling that the "Almost-5 years" that i had post-surgery might have been an anomaly. Maybe I had unusual results and my body is settling into what is typical of a surgery of this nature. (see http://www.smackcancer.blogspot.com/) I have to start looking at it that way.

The awesome, highly educated doctors at MDA actually call this condition "FLOPPY FOOT". When I first heard it, there was this awkward moment where I laughed...expecting the "just kidding" or something to indicate its a joke. There was the pregnant pause of silence, where i realized there wasn't going to be a punchline. It is seriously called Floppy Foot. Hmmm.

There is another term "Drop Foot", which doesn't seem to be used as much. Maybe its Old School Medical terminolgy? Regardless, Floppy Foot has already stuck. You would think there would be some sort of Latin term they could use to jazz it up a bit. I guess there aren't many words scarier than Cancer, so perhaps they like to throw around names like that. After hearing Sarcoma, whats a little Floppy Foot on the chart??

I guess it could be worse. To me, "Floppy" conjures imagery of soft, cuddley things....like a rabbit with big, floppy ears. Or a plush, stuffed animal that a favorite to snuggle up with. At least its not called "Trip Foot" or "Stumble Toes". "Clutz Causer"...

The Big Bitch #3 is that i have to consciensly THINK about every step, to make sure that i bend my knee and lift up my foot so that it doesn't lag behind for me to trip over. Sometimes i forget, or I might step on an uneven surface...its an ever-present concern. Every freaking step....something that I used to take for granted. Our feet are an amazing combination of nerves, tiny bones and cartilidges....wow!! Just a little nerve damage has caused such a change that i now have to be aware of every step. Maybe this will become second nature.

So far, aside from my downer-attitude of pity-party and "I can't wear heels" whining....things are just fine. I can get around, do what i need to do and stay active.

Really, I was lucky to have the past 4 years. I actually roller-skated a month after my physical therapy. I wore any fabulous shoe that i wanted...even up until the end of last year. I was able to garden, exercise and do anything I used to do...without feeling much different.

I am still gardening and exercising, but the skating and fabulous heel-wearing seem like a distant memory. I've got to look on the bright side, and stick with thinking about what i can do NOW instead of not doing what i USED TO do. Who knows? Maybe this will make me an awesome clogger!

2011-04-07T00:16:00.000-07:00

Maybe i'm not supposed to be done with this. I thought i was. Sometimes God has other plans for us.....
i'm re-reading this
http://smackcancer.blogspot.com/

sometimes, i can't believe i wrote this. i feel so far removed.

i remember part of my motivation for writing that was so that i would never forget....the struggle, the courage, the prayers.....

yet....i've forgotten.

at the time i wrote my blog, however, i didn't understand how much i would want/need to move forward. of course...healing means improvement...moving forward.

why look back? back there sucked!

Therein might lie my answer as to why this is happening:

mentally, i suppose i actually recovered quite nicely. Perhaps that will carry me through this physical set-back.

i reckon i can learn to feel kick-ass in a pair of flats..
im gonna need some comfortable shoes to revisit where i'm coming from.

i thought i was smooooth sailing....

2011-04-06T23:44:00.000-07:00

The fifth year is a big deal to a cancer survivor. Its the time when you go from having a follow-up every 6 months (or every year, for some)...to being in the clear. Your chance of "survival", or no re-occurance, or just having a normal-no-going-to-the-hospital-and-having-to-say-imafreakingcancerpatient....you are supposed to be wrapping it up the 5th year.

My fifth year isn't looking like that. I seem to have had an unusual situation, where the 4 years following surgery were sweet and now....not so sweet.

im pissed.
the reasons that bother me are so bothersome and, frankly, embarassing.....i can't adequately describe in words.
its such a downer.
i really wanted to celebrate this year.

In the Sweet Bye and Bye

2011-02-16T09:33:00.000-08:00

This morning started out like any other day.

On our way to school, I had to pull over to let a firetruck whiz past and, as I was pulled over and looking ahead, I saw where he was going. There was a wreck directly at the entrance of our school. The cars were backed up in both directions and several cars in front of me were turning around so that they didn't have to wait. Everything was at a stand-still--including my heart.

I was rubber-necking like I never have before, hoping to see that everything was ok and to see if it was someone from school. We saw two mangled cars, with airbags askew...and then i saw some people on the side of the road. Tread saw them too.

This was the moment that is the freeze-frame of my mind: Tread yelled "It's Sydney!" , a classmate and good friend of his. When I looked to see a woman leaning over a person laid beside the car, for a moment i also thought it this girl and her mother. The moment I realized that it was not who we both thought it was, time resumed its normal pace and i was overwhelmed with relief. As I focused on trying to get past the wreckage and navigate my way towards the school, I tried to maintain composure and reassure my son that his friend was not in the wreck. We prayed that those involved would be ok. I saw that the person was moving and the ambulance was there, so things seemed positive.

The scene at the school was unlike most mornings, where the normal hustle and bustle was replaced with quiet, concerned faces looking out the windows. Teachers had calculated calm instructions for the kids in the classrooms, as they met in the hallway and whispered what they had seen or heard. The secretary was fielding phone calls.

Tread's teacher had some of his work to show me, so I followed her to the classroom. Conversation veered back to the events of the morning and she shared that she had lost both her grandparents at once in a fatal accident. As she was telling me the story, it dawned on her that this week was the 9th anniversary of when it happened. She remembers the details of how they had just come to visit her hours before the accident, and her grandfather told her how much he loved her. She recalled the moment with vivid clarity.

A week after their deaths, she said it was a dreary day and she was overwhelmed with sadness. She recounted how she pulled up to her house and saw 2 "little brown birds" splashing in some water and, for some reason, it caught her eye. She told me that the hymn "In the Sweet Bye and Bye" was playing in her car at that moment and she felt an incredible peace come over her. She watched the birds, listened to the song and felt ok.

I left the school building and sat in my car, watching as the wreckers loaded up the twisted cars, this old hymn going through my head.

A regular routine of a morning, to be shaken up by an unforeseen event. The people involved in the accident had been going through their regular morning routine, as well. Little do they realize the impact their experience had on everyone in our little school. Prayers sent up in little voices....memories recounted by sentimental adults. So many things to be thankful for. A day like every other day....a gft.

As I sat in my car, pondering these thoughts and emotions, a blue flurry outside caught my eye. A few precious bluebirds were scurrying about...which always makes me smile.

In the Sweet Bye and Bye

There's a land that is fairer than day,
And by faith we can see it afar;
For the Father waits over the way
To prepare us a dwelling place there.

In the sweet by and by,
We shall meet on that beautiful shore;
In the sweet by and by,
We shall meet on that beautiful shore.

We shall sing on that beautiful shore
The melodious songs of the blessed;
And our spirits shall sorrow no more,
Not a sigh for the blessing of rest.

In the sweet by and by,
We shall meet on that beautiful shore;
In the sweet by and by,
We shall meet on that beautiful shore.

To our bountiful Father above,
We will offer our tribute of praise
For the glorious gift of His love
And the blessings that hallow our days.

In the sweet by and by,
We shall meet on that beautiful shore;
In the sweet by and by,
We shall meet on that beautiful shore.

Let's dwell.....

2011-01-19T23:07:00.000-08:00

So I'm 40 now. Thank God Ive got that behind me and i can quit saying "I'm fixin' to be 40".

The anticipation leading up to the birthday was maddening, but that frame of mind included post-holiday doldrums, coupled with some cabin fever. Also, we've had some crappy weather lately and i haven't been outside like i usually like to be. PLUS...i've dwelled. I agonized, over-analyzed, read too much Internet stuff, watched Dr.Oz too much....dwelled! I'm soooo ready to move on.

i think.
First i might want to write about dwelling.

Really, it isn't too terribly different, this 40 thing. It just so happens that some pretty significant changes are taking place as I reach this milestone. I have realized in recent years that I function better with a little routine, and i get out-of-sorts when things interfere with this routine. (Just writing/acknowledging that makes me feel "set in my ways"...which is technically the polar opposite of "young-and-hip", right?)

That's ok...I am embracing the right to say whatever i damn-well please, because that's what we GET to do as we get older, right???!!! Today I actually started a conversation with "Well, I really like Consumer Reports because..." For realz.

The biggest change that i am dealing with is a career change. Since I had been a stay-at-home mom for 5 years, I think this transition has gone a little smoother than it could have if I'd switched gears from a full-time job, though. Also, after spending a year in the classroom, I was very, VERY motivated to make this opportunity work. The timing was perfect...even if going from Middle School Art Teacher to Tattoo Artist sounded crazy to a LOT of people.

Even if it sounds crazy to some, to me it truly seems like the right thing to do...so I've jumped in with both feet. I will be an apprentice for a long time to come, and that is a very humbling position to be in. I enjoy learning something new, but there are days that I wish I had more confidence and become impatient about that. Of course, often my thoughts run to "if only i had started this when i was younger...". At my age, it seems like I ought to be really good at what i do for a living. I felt that confidence with teaching...and i know that eventually, I can work up to that in this field. This thought haunts me: I don't have as much time as I used to.

That haunting thought started with Cancer and never left. My experience definitely had an impact on me, but so has losing several people to It. Cancer is freaking scary...and unpredictable. Every minute of every day counts.

I can understand some of the stereotypes people put on old-timers, one of them being "grumpy" or "cranky". I am (hesitantly) starting to relate. Time goes by quicker, your body starts to change or quits cooperating, people you love get sick or die, babies grow up, hair falls out or turns gray (!!) your sense of humor becomes dated, young people call you ma'am or don't acknowledge you, you become acutely aware of your diet, you like Consumer Reports, etc......of course we get grumpy! What the hell?

Ok, so i am a potentially cranky gal on a new career path! It's exciting and I'm taking it on as a challenge...awkward, uncomfortable, humbling moments and all! It's the other Big Change that makes things a little more challenging:

Quitting Smoking.
I was a closet smoker and pretty much in denial about how much these Stinky Sticks had eeked their way into my life. For years, I bragged that I had this smoking thing at "arms-length" and "I told the cigs when i was going to have them, they didn't tell me!" Ha!

While it's true that I only smoked in social settings for years...and did not smoke for the entire 9 months i was pregnant, nor the 13 months i nursed...I was fooling myself about the power of the cigarettes addictive nature. I didnt' even realize it when they crept into my daily routine (there's that confounded word again!) until i tried to cut them out. They made it known, very abruptly, that I DID need them and they would now be the ones saying when I needed them. I was no longer in control of that little relationship.

So I broke it off.
...but like a jilted ex of an abusive lover, i still pine for them, at times. Then, I have to deny myself and struggle with a few things: 1) I am not young and care-free 2) that habit is chipping away at years that are dwindling away anyway 3) I can't set a bad example for my son 4) its time to learn some self-discipline, dagnabit! Man, it was so much easier in my 20's, when i thought i had my whole life ahead of me, my body was resilient and i was only responsible for myself. Easy Street.

Well...now "Easy Street" is wrought with potholes, the street lamps are dimming and the sidewalks are cracked. It's not as long as it used to be, there are some really bumpy sections and you are going to have some unexpected detours.

Good thing i have a jeep.
I can handle it.
It's an adventure.

What's wrong with dwelling, anyway?

2010-12-16T11:03:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas Everyone!!

Sleep Crap-nea

2010-11-29T22:48:00.000-08:00

Nice rainy night + loud snoring + thoughts keeping me up= BlogTime.

Thoughts in my head:

* I'm in my last month of my 30's. January brings on the big 40.
* I'm very content with most aspects of my life...yet my confidence about some things wanes.
* My "trick" knee/leg have been acting funny. It pisses me off...and the reason i'm most pissed is a little stupid and too vain for me to admit in print right now.
* I think i might need to change blog format.
* freakin Indian Meal moths have INVADED my house and made me a spastic-Tourettes-reacting neurotic nut.
* I dont trust the food industry. I still like the crap they sell though.
* I quit cigarettes. Sometimes i miss them...i won't dwell on that...this is prime-smoking trigger-time
* I love my new job...it's going to take some time to feel the confidence i'd like, though. I really want to pull my weight at the shop and sometimes i don't feel like i am contributing as much as the other artists. It's a time thing: i'm the only one there with a kid.
* I'm become scared of cancer. More now, than when i had it.
* i am also very pissed at cancer now.

To summarize:
I'm an insecure, obsessive, neurotic, paranoid hypochondriac, with a gimp leg and a chip on her shoulder, who lacks confidence, yet switched careers and gave up smoking at the ripe age of 40. Maybe its a good thing i'm scatter-brained and lack focus; I don't really dwell on any of the points and my usual state is happiness..but then there is something to remind me...and distract me.

No wonder i can't sleep.

from "Daddy" to "Marilyn"

2010-11-19T22:54:00.001-08:00

Today was just one of those days that i can't say "good-night" to, until i recap.

This morning, before i even went to work, i had a FULL day; none of which will pertain to this post....but note-worthy in that i had pretty much had a great day by noon. Little did i know the rest of the day would be a doozy.

Before noon: exercised with Wii, Violin lesson with T, drove 3 young'uns to nursing home field trip, served hot lunch at t's school, nap, shower, work.

Badda Bing, Badda Boom: full day, right? Wrong!

THEN...right after i arrived to work, my first appointment came early and i had to hit the ground running. She was a former student; one of the best I had from "Alcatraz". She entrusted my newbie skills to a sentimental cross, which was commemorating the loss of her father. She had the design ready to go...so i gave her a good deal. We were both happy with how it turned out.

The rest of the day was spent working on various things until the next, and last, fella came in. He came right up to me and said he wanted a tattoo that said "Marilyn" with some dates. He was kinda scruffy and not exactly pleasant in the olfactory department...but he had an itch and was cool with letting an apprentice scratch it.

He was a stocky little dude; I pretty much towered over him. From his clothes, boots and hands, i gathered that he was hard-working; to the point of wearing out the deoderant he may or may not have worn at some point today. He had a few home-made tats, which can typically cause one to make certain assumptions about his life experiences. Based on a brief conversation, involving some pretty creative grammatical slaughtering, I could gather that he probably hadn't been too interested in school. And i won't even go into the dental hygene....or lack thereof.

These were all obvious details that most people see about this guy. All us assholes judging a book by a cover.

In this shop, where this guy felt comfortable to be himself, I got to learn a little more. It turns out that the name he wanted was his mothers name. The dates were her birthday and the day she died. He described a yellow rose for her, the name and the dates...and said he'd been thinking about getting a tattoo since he had been to her funeral...2 months ago. She was buried states away and, since he couldn't visit her headstone in some depressing cemetary far from here, he wanted this tattoo to see everyday.

During the next few hours, I learned more about this guy...and his relationship to his mom. She had left him when he was a kid. As he told me the story, he revisited the pain that caused (and likely still does) as a young boy, but told me how he understood the circumstances in which she left. He later ran away to be with her and, after a turmultuous reunion, he spent his teenage years making up for lost time. He said they were best friends.

Never mind that this guy called his "significant other" his "Old Lady"....and he asked me what my "Old Man" thought about my tattooing. (Santa? Father Time? Who's my Old Man?) He also said things like "I ain't trippin" and called me "Dude". I could look past all that and see the consideration in his forewarned "I'm gonna sweat....and its gonna stink." As crude as that is, i think it was his way of giving me a heads up (noses up) and being considerate.

I don't know; maybe being a mom to a son has made me all sappy. Maybe i've huffed too many B.O fumes and am not thinking straight...but i found it endearing that even this "unsavory" fella missed his mama. His eyes watered when he talked about remembering the sound of her laugh, how he dreamed about her recently....and how he doesn't remember the funeral.

I asked him if she would like the tattoo and he said "Hell, yeah."
We tattooed it on his chest, over his heart.

Another come-back?

2010-11-19T22:43:00.000-08:00

So.....I have a new job at a Casey's Tattoo. I realize it is a huge leap from recent posts, but i don't even know how to catch up writing about it. In fact, the thought of summarizing is so daunting that it has kept me from writing at all. I don't even know where to begin.

I also toyed with the idea of starting another blog--AGAIN? Then i figured that would be like my penchant for buying cookbooks--even though i don't cook!! Just because it's new & exciting doesn't mean i'm actually going to put it to use.

Tonite i just wanted to write, so i threw aside all creative block-obstacles. I reckon i'll stick with this old blog. It's been here for me all this time....

The Office "Quotes"

2010-08-22T22:06:00.001-07:00

During a meeting, the Office is discussing the correct usage of "whoever" and "whomever". Toby gets the definition right and points out that Michael had used it in the correct way...to which Michael says:
"No one, uh, asked you anything-ever-so, whomever's name is Toby; why don't you take a letter opener and stick it in your skull"

up late again

2010-08-15T23:40:00.000-07:00

since i couldn't sleep AGAIN, i figured that I'd get up and write about it.

A few hours ago, when i was tossing and turning, i decided to get up and look through old pictures. I time-traveled back through memories and hair colors, relived fun times and saw faces of people i will never see again. I found old college pictures, wedding pictures, family shots and party pix from every imaginable (and not so imaginable) occasion...but i couldn't find what i was looking for.

Until the last box.

My illusive friend...I didn't realize until tonight how terribly tricky she was about avoiding the camera. Somehow, she was caught on film.

This is my only picture of Ricann Clay. She came with Conny to visit Tread...just days old.

I think i can go to sleep now.

good tv

2010-08-08T23:57:00.001-07:00

i love Tosh.O!

Fresh Prince - Drums and dance

2010-08-08T16:14:00.000-07:00

Silver Spoons Ricky Schroder Alfonso Breakdance

2010-08-08T16:12:00.000-07:00

CANCER CAN SUCK IT!!!

2010-08-07T01:44:00.000-07:00

i still haven't figured it out.

disappointed

2010-08-07T00:53:00.000-07:00

what is the deal with being disappointed? I've gone round and round with this emotion and come to understand WHY it is that i feel this way...and WHAT it is that is involved...but it keeps rearing its ugly head like a freaking pubic hair on my thigh after I've done a bikini wax!! What is it about the (my) human psyche that creates this emotion????

Is it an emotion even? guess i shoulda done some google'in or wikipedia'n before i set out to write about this. my readers can read between the lines about why that didn't happen when 1) the time this is written is noted and 2) this is the first time i've blogged in eons....i reeeeeeaaaaallly needed to write. i mean, so much so that i actually sat up in bed...sick of thinking about these things.....i actually said to brad "i can't go to sleep until i write about something." i haven't felt this compulsion to write/purge since the Sarcoma Summer.

Holy Crap, folks....i just got back from a Family Vacation. I don't even know where to start. I think i will have to allude to some thing/points/thoughts until i decide whether to continue to keep this a public blog.*

i've mulled over so many thoughts...drove back from Houston this morning, after a long travel adventure from South Carolina yesterday....i don't even know where to start. perhaps 3 am isn't the best time.

Nutshell? Highlights? i'm a 39 year old woman. Around my dad i still feel like an immature shell of someone i used to be...and for various reasons* I reckon it might just stay that way. Disappointing.

Any selfish emotional needs i have are monumentally overshadowed by the joy i have when i see my dad with my son. it fills all the gaps.

I am genuinely thankful that my family is happy. I feel ashamed for the egocentricity of this "disappointment" haunt. Go Away!! it doesn't make sense! i don't want it...why am i gravitated towards it, after I've sorted thru all the crap....and i finally make sense of things? i think it boils down to a certain "self-centered-ness" that is possibly just a bad habit? I really can say that i put my feelings aside in many circumstances...that other things are more important....but at the end of the day, the disappointment sneaks up on me like a ever present shadow. i don't like it. i want to understand it so i can turn on the light and make it go away.

any suggestions?

Chirp! Chirp!

2010-02-01T09:38:00.000-08:00

it's sad that i just read this entire blog on my lunch break...with some time to spare.

I remember when i started it; how inspired i was to make a "fresh start". that seems like another person wrote that. it feels like another lifetime.

I've gone back to work. The previous post was full of energy and hope...where did all that go?

I am counting on spring to bring me out of my funk...and closer to May, when the school year will be over. Despite having taught Middle School 5 years, this has felt like the "first year teaching"...and i wasn't expecting that.

Also, i wasn't prepared for the strain on the family....and forget personal interests. It seems that either housework gets done or person hobbies are pursued on the weekends. Not both...one or the other. Who chooses housework? I don't until there are no more clean towels.

i actually do have some good things to say about teaching, but since it is a dim, cold and overcast monday, i am a downer. there are soul-sucking encounters i have each day that leave me speechless & feeling hopeless.

Stories like this:

These thugs were telling a story about a kid they saw get beat up. As if that's not bad enough, they are laughing about it...especially about what the kid said when they took his money: "...but my daddy gave me that dollar!" They were so entertained by the whole story~ just laughing and cutting up! Assholes.

What do you say? i tried to enlighten them...but they don't care. How can you teach someone something if they don't care. Maybe they don't know what it feels like to have someone care about them. Sometimes its so hard to care about them ...but not all days.

A bird just landed outside my window, lifting my spirits. Spring is right around the corner :)

Who gets up at this ungodly hour?

2009-08-31T03:36:00.000-07:00

It's still dark!

I tried getting up at 5:45 last week, but didnt' take into account the time i need to drop things, stare into space and basically, wake up. I felt like i barely made it to work in time for my 7:05 duty.

Yes...i said work. And duty....and 7:05!!! Yikes.

(we pause for a moment of staring out the window for no apparent reason.....?)
Wake up!!!

The last month has been a blur of cleaning, organizing, inventorying & planning. Then school started. The kicker is that, even though i've been working my tail off for weeks now, the pay cycle doesn't start until the end of September for me. I HAVE ANOTHER ENTIRE MONTH BEFORE I EVEN SEE A PAYCHECK!!

I now resolve, however, to start paying attention to things that are important to me again. In the face of the First Day of School "deadline", i spent every waking moment dedicated to Taking Care of Business. In that process, i missed several clogging classes, haven't done any ceramics, have fallen behind on my emails & phone calls, missed several friends' birthdays, haven't talked to my preggar sister in weeks.... and have watched too many of my beloved plants die!

Last night, i finally broke that pattern to go to a friend's house for fondue and, fondly, Mad Men. I actually considered missing that get-together to go up to my classroom...what a mistake that would of been. I saw so many gal-pals, who i have missed since the beginning of the summer...and now i feel recharged. I'm baaaaa-ack!

New Work-Me-Philosophy: When it comes to personal interests, Igno-No-More!!

(this blog has been interrupted for a coffee break....where writer got distracted and started wiping off counter....)

where was i?
where am i?
what am i doing? i need to go get ready for work......

cuteness, etc

2009-04-14T09:41:00.000-07:00

So, yesterday Tready picked up a skirt that i had embellished with some patches and sequins.

He was really checking it out, so i seized the opportunity to toot my own horn.
(If you are ever having a bad day, or dealing with some self-esteem issues, tell a 4 year old about something you've done; they are the best, excitable audience-- ever!)

I told him that the skirt had some stains on it, so i decorated it to hide the stains and make it pretty again. I sewed pink & green flowers on it, along with some sparkly sequins and seed beads.

After careful study, he looked at me and said:
"I have a cool Spiderman patch you could sew on it."

Guess he's not into flowers & sequins.

Mind-Numbing Cuteness.

2009-04-10T06:29:00.000-07:00

i could start a blog dedicated to my kid, but i don't think i'd ever get anything done....he kills me. right now, i should be packing for a weekend getaway to Hot Springs, but i just had to stop and write. it could be very possible that these things are only uber-cute to a mother, but.....i don't care. i don't have a "Baby Book" to put these things down....i've got my blog.

The other night, we were watching American Idol, and this rap-guy performed. The lyrics were way suggestive (talking about "going down"!!) for Primetime, and all the sudden i was feeling old and prude-ish. (I think its because my 4 year old was sitting next to me and there was all kinds of sexual gyrating going on whilst a sexy man and woman sang about oral sex to each other...)surely im not old and prude-ish.....yet.

Anyhoo...i told Tready i didn't like that song and he, of course, asked "Why?" I said that i liked songs where i could understand the lyrics, or songs that told stories.
Then he said:
"Yeah. Me, too. Like "Twinkle, Twinkle"

awwwwww!

Ick.

2009-04-10T06:27:00.001-07:00

there is a mouse in our house and i am not happy.

Hell for the ADD-Afflicted

2009-03-09T12:16:00.001-07:00

Since my son is close to being 5, and i have been in the enigmatic"Mom-Time-Warp*" (when the hours either creep by or you complain that there are never enough hours in the day to get anything done....yet the years still fly by.....), i have forgotten many things associated with having a bambino around. Namely, how crazy it makes me feel.

It's no secret that i'm somewhat ADD-Riddled. Either you've read something i've written here about it, or you've tried to have a conversation with me...i can bet you may have noticed. A couple of years ago, I started taking meds for it and have actually been able to get stuff done, ponder thoughts for more than a millisecond and follow a conversation. It's been great, I've felt successful and......

.....sorry. I just had to go wipe some green snot off my little distraction.

So....what was i talking about? i don't even know now, because now i have to break to go fetch something un-baby-approved from some little mitts....

ok...where was i? oh well...that thought is far gone......i better get to the point of this blog; i was going to describe my average morning.

Breakfast with the young'uns. First, i get mine fed and make some coffee (not always in that order!) Then my little part-time-pipsqueak arrives and i feed him some breakfast. That usually goes smoothly, then the little'un is content to sit in the high chair while i clean up kitchen. This is a very unpredictable, limited time....interspersed with doling out banana slices to keep him occupied....so i have to HUSTLE! In between washing dishes and wiping counter, i am picking up his water bottle countless times. This has actually become very routine and i can do it effortlessly without it seeming like a distraction......but dishes sure take a long time these days.

I usually have to RUSH to the bathroom while he is in his chair because i never know when i'll get a chance to once he's out....
....

WE INTERRUPT THIS BLOG FOR ANOTHER DISTRACTION... this one is crawling away at a surprisingly fast pace.....i'll have to finish this later....

(maybe i need to increase my meds)

Whoa, Baby!

2009-03-04T07:38:00.000-08:00

i'm finally getting around to blogging!! Yes!
Is there anyone else out there still trying to "get off to a good New Year", even though its MARCH!?!?!

I have still managed to get online to check my friends' blogs regularly (..and boy, am i disappointed when they don't write!) Daily, I think I've thought of something to write about...then, before i know it, the day is gone and i am spent. Today...i actually don't' even have anything interesting to write about, rather than an update on what i've been doing, but i realized i actually have some time--SOME TIME!!! So, I've logged on.

What's up?
Well, rather than my usual time burdens that i can't seem to manage (impending perpetual laundry, grocery shopping, exercise, etc....) I am still successful at making time to make art, which used to be my main 'challenge'. I have plans to write about that....eventually. hopefully.

I'm also *trying* to be better about planning meals to eat healthier and at home with the family...but i'm struggling with planning ahead for this. Which means we are still ordering pizza once a week and eating out (crap*) more than i'd like/ more than we can afford.
* Healthy Eating Out in our town is really limited.

SO..the biggest change in our life this year, my main diversion and reason for not checking in with you dear readers, is currently trying to chew on my toe. (Poor thing...if he had any idea how long i've been wearing these socks, he'd find something else to chew on. HEY! its been really cold lately....)

ok...now he's gotten into something that i need to go intervene....i'll be right back.....

.......and so it goes.

I am now a Semi-Supernanny, with a Part-Time Baby from 8-3, Monday thru Friday. He is a darling, little blue-eyed 8 month old ball of energy. He hardly ever cries, is very good natured and has ninja-like balance, so he barely ever falls down. He is a good age to be able to actually put down and watch for a few minutes while you finally get to go to the bathroom...(or blog)....but i'm still getting used to to it.

In fact....its naptime, so i've gotta go. As i settle into our "routine" a little more, i promise to return. I also promise not to lapse into the Baby Talk, as i've already found myself doing on occasion.

Unless you want to hear about how cute it is when he blows huge snot bubbles from his nostrils. It really is funny.....especially when you havent had adult interaction for hours....its hilarious.

funny at five a.m

2009-02-15T03:20:00.000-08:00

this is HA-larious!!

i couldn't sleep. I'm the only one in the house awake, and yet, this made me laugh out-loud and feel compelled to post a link.

I tell peops about this website often, so i figured i'd make it a little easier for you.

These writers have the funniest way of describing fashion..it always amuses me. I mean, check out this description of this big goofy blue dress:

"KATY: No, no, it's great and all, but... look, if Violet Beauregard rolled herself out of Willy Wonka's chocolate factory and started a fashion line, and Bjork became her main investor, your muumuu would be their first collaboration. "

Plus, its very entertaining to poke fun at celebrities.

Whoa! STOP THE PRESSES! Yo Gabba Gabba Update!!!

2009-01-06T09:58:00.000-08:00

ok....i'm so super post-holiday-busy that i've been waiting until i am caught up to blog about the holidays....that's to come later.

HOWEVER....as i was taking down decorations with my little'un, while watching the channel "Noggin", a commercial for Yo Gabba Gabba came on.

All activity came to a halt, as it had my full attention: this season of Yo Gabba Gabba is sure to be the best yet. Jack Black, Roots, great actresses/comediannes-whose-names-escape-me-in-my-excitement (but i will post later) from the Office and SNL, among many others, are scheduled to be special guests.

Who woulda thought that show could get any better?!?!? Since yesterday, I've been listening to the soundtrack that a good friend let me borrow...and now this update!!!

i just had to stop what i was doing and alert the media....er, uh...my readers.

i'll also take this opportunity to say HAPPY NEW YEAR and i can't wait to see you all, once the holiday dust settles!!!

Nice.

2008-12-15T20:51:00.000-08:00

At a mad dash to the grocery store this morning, i was forced to slow down and "smell the roses". i was in a super-hurry; i had forgotten today was the Christmas Party at Tread's school- and i had signed up to bring juice boxes. No juiceboxes!

I also wanted to get the hell outta the store because i still had obcene amounts of glitter on my face from a Clown Gig yesterday. We were running late this morning...if i thought i'd be going somewhere besides taking the kid to school, i would've spent a little more time washing that stuff off!

Anyway...for some reason, i was sitting in the parking lot for a minute. I guess i was texting, or something mult-tasking-crazy-inahurry, but i happened to look in my review mirror right when a guy bent over to pick something up. It was right near my jeep, is why i guess i even noticed...so i saw that it was a wallet, with enough cash that i could see it from the jeep--in the rearview. The noteworthy thing is that this guy didn't even hesitate, he went right inside to turn it in.

(...and no, he didn't march inside to buy groceries. i saw him at the customer service desk when i went inside....)

That was a promising event to witness, but maybe not enough to blog about...until my next encounter.

This lady was definitely not in a hurry.

In fact, she was in my way.
I was hustling towards the check-out, and she had stopped her cart in my path to look at coupons. The space to get past her was marginal, but due to my time-crunch, i pushed on through. I kinda knocked her cart out of the way, unintentionally and was hoping maybe she didn't notice.

"Hey!" she called.

I'm thinking: "oops!" and was getting ready to toss a "sorry!" over my shoulder as i rushed to check-out.
Before i could say anything, she beat me to it: "You've got Kibbles & Bits in your cart...would you like a coupon for that?"

This lady had coupons for everything, it turned out...coupons in an envelope, coupons in the cart, some in her purse's front pocket, and inside the purse....and she couldn't find the Kibbles & Bits coupon, but "knew she had just seen it a second ago."

So, while she nervously poured over this huge coupon collection, i learned that her father had just passed away at age 93. He lived in Tennesee and she had been driving from Houston to his house for the past 3 years, so he wouldn't have to go into a nursing home. This is her first Christmas without him.

She was coming through Nacogdoches to buy her kids some groceries; one is a teacher and the other is working on his masters. They all love animals and she stocks them up on dogfood and catfood whenever she comes to visit. She was very proud of her kids. I told her that they were lucky she helped them out like this, and she said she doubted they felt that way. I hope she's wrong.

Like me, she also had a cup of coffee from Java Jacks to accompany her grocery shopping. She was so dang friendly, and so determined to find that coupon, that i decided to forget my rush. I didn't even care about my goofily glittered face. (Based on her eye-shadow selection, i suspected she might have even liked it.) She talked, i listened...she shuffled little papers, i sipped coffee. She finally found my coupon--took scissors out of her purse to cut off the expiration date--and saved me a dollar! That was worth every minute.

I'm about to turn in for the night and was just reflecting on my day. I was very motivated to write about it as soon as i got home, but i Got Busy again. I wanted to be sure and slow down enough to remember those warm, fuzzy feelings i had this morning...nice people doing nice things.

I am sure it happens way more than I realize and I'm just too busy to notice.

Christmastime is here!

2008-12-08T01:53:00.000-08:00

wow. where did the last several weeks go? thanksgiving came and went in a dizzying blur of grandparents, gobbling and goofing off!

its way late and i can't sleep, but i figured i'd check in.
i did say i'd do that more often, didn't i?

since i'm too tired to write about all the past weeks events...i'll try to summarize.

i am so thankful for all the wonderful people in my life. It is such a joy to watch my son's relationship with my parents blossom into something special. It makes me smile just thinking aobut it.

My friends are priceless...i even love the friends of my friends. what would we do without each other? I don't even want to know.

there are so many fun festivities around town this time of year...its fabulous! i think that's why i couldn't sleep tonight; i keep thinking about all of the fun things to do over the next few weeks. I've also been trying to process all the folks and fun from the last few days. (Friday Raku party with the "Dirt Dobbers" Ceramics club, Saturday 9 Flags Festival, and all that entails, Entertaining at the Art Center, Christmas Parade, then 2 parties, Sunday Christmas Cantata at church! whew!)

To think that its only just started....
i'll try to be better about staying in touch here. I think my Sleepytime Tea is kicking in.

I'm sending out warm wishes to all the people i love!!!

Fingers is comin' to town....

2008-11-20T12:06:00.000-08:00

Hello, hello!

I can't let too much time go by without writing...even though i don't have much to write about today. I mean, there's lots going on, but blog-worthy? not. We are rushing around to get things packed to get out of town. i wanted a break...so here i am.

The holidays are upon us and i am particularly excited because my old friend, Fingers is coming to town. That means that we are going to have some "reunion" performances of Fingers and Lips! We are a little out of practice, but nothing that we can' brush up on.

Hope you can come check us out.

"Tour Dates" to follow.

Halloween is Messy

2008-11-06T07:28:00.000-08:00

In the spirit of regular blogging, i am going to inspire writing by posting some pictures.

Our Halloween usually lasts 2 weekends. This year, I entertained in Lufkin at the Museum of East Texas' Pumpkin Party as a clown.

My clown persona is "Whistlin' Dixie"...there's her outfit on the floor.

Make-up makes up a big mess! I'm glad i don't have to get out all of this stuff everyday!

Normal "still life" at our house: Tiny cowboy hats, Blue Afro Wigs, Gold eyelashes and random jewelry sprinkled about...

My Art desk was trashed after rushing to get R2D2 made for the Scare on the Square that same day!

We pulled it off...and Tready won first prize!

(Proud Mama asks: "Have i mentioned that a couple times before?" ) Probably.

Whoa, what did i do before the computer?

2008-11-05T12:16:00.000-08:00

Laundry perhaps?

Put away groceries...or maybe..

....just maybe unload the dishwasher before a bunch of dirty dishes pile up on the counter?!

Maybe its because i am a stay-at-home mom, or perhaps its because i had no idea what all was "out there"....but i sure do spend a lot of time on this thing lately.

Thanks to Facebook, this friend, this friend and this other culprit (among many others) I have learned all about socializing on the Internet. You can be alone, yet never feel lonely. I have reunited with old friends who i really missed and people i had forgotten, but wished i hadn't.

I suppose i won't spend too much time about the marvels of computer communicatin', for the people who are apt to read this have known about it LONG before i stumbled onto the scene. Until i checked the aforementioned friends' blogs, I didn't realize that November is National Blog-everyday-month, (or something like that). Since i can't even take care of business (note: pictures above) i'm not even going to set that goal (this year, at least). I'm just glad to be back on the scene. Many thanks to my friends who drug me here....i think.

So...that's not too interesting, i'm afraid, but i promised i'd blog more, so there you have it. That, and I couldn't stomach yet another Election Blog.

Funny Kid Conversation...an ongoing series

2008-11-03T14:32:00.000-08:00

subtitled:

Why it is Important to Wipe Your Bottom

I wonder how many of you had a conversation like this today:

"OK, so you know how Poopy is pretty gross, right? It stinks and is yucky to touch and we want to be sure we flush it down the potty quick! It has germs that can make you sick, so you know that you have to wash your hands really good, right? Well, if you don't wipe your bottom really well, that might mean that you could have some poop in your pants! You want to be sure and get it all clean, so that it doesn't hurt your bottom."

The funny part is that i had to say this with a DEAD-SERIOUS face. I mean, c'mon....this is important stuff!!

Here we go again...

2008-11-03T09:26:00.000-08:00

Ah! A fresh new start on a brand-new blog! Sweet.

So what, if it's November and the year is rushing to an end? It's never too late for a fresh start, right? How long can one spend on a "fresh start" and it still remain fresh? Hmm....ok, so maybe I've got a not-so-fresh start here, but I'm starting over nonetheless.

Here's the deal: the entire year after a bout with Cancer is a Fresh Start. Everything you do after that experience is with renewed appreciation. Life is different from that point on.

My previous blog was all about that experience. All year, I have found my Knee-Bunion Adventures blog difficult to revisit. I have really missed writing, but whenever i'd open that site, it was an awkward place to be....and i think it's because it was looking back and not forward.

I'm ready to move on and talk about something else, so i've started this blog. Here's to fresh starts, and not-so-fresh starts everywhere!